Wendy's and the Tough-Times Guile
2009-03-09 23:52:39

Like the cheat codes of real life, Wendy's currently has a survey-promotion to Win a Free Single Hamburger simply for taking a survey at www.talktowendys.com.  This promotion is on the back of your receipt in lovely red warn-spiel.  

As surveys go, this one's a cinch--not even more than 5 questions!  At the end, there's a code.  For the Wendy's off of N. Lombard and Interstate in sunny Portland, Oregon, I've gotten two codes:  K2525 and K2526.  They both work!  My gift to you.  (Say 'hello' to Maxi, the manager--O Dios mio!)

Here's where the scam comes in:  The cashier is required to give you a receipt of your transaction, regardless of whether is for $20 or a free burger.  Guess what you have? BURGERS TIMES INFINITY!!!!

In these desperate times of joblessness and poverty, its best to exploit your corporate benefactors more than your Grandma that sends checks but never talk to.  Fuck you, I love Grandma Senkus, and she loves Wendy's.

Drugs without Drugs!
2009-03-07 15:43:38

John Mayer was right:  Your body is a wonderland.

Beer:  beershits, alcoholism, beer bloat hangovers, fat girls, ugly men

Marijuana:  Instant utopia, followed by endless sitar playing, "pot tits", disorientation, paranoia, consuming too many packages of Hot Pockets--frozen

Cocaine:  fighting, megalomania, withdrawals

Xanax:  Zzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Percocet:  Zzzzzzzzzz.....

Heroin:  a good time had by all

Yes, those are the detriments of just a small sampling of drugs to indulge in.  Sure, you may enjoy some of them despite their proven failures (just like my ex-girlfriend Ali), but there must be a better way! 

There is a better way!  Drugs without drugs, I say, and you can do all of them RIGHT NOW.  Best part:  They're FREE.  Act now, and receive a complimentary totebag.

#1--PUSH ON YOUR EYES:  Feeling like a psychedelic trip while at work but can't deal with those random drug tests?  I feel 'ya, and this has proved an effective method of instant LSD.  Push on your eyes.  No, really, take two fingers--I use my thumb and first--and push them GENTLY into their sockets.  If you are feeling vaguely ironic, you can use both thumbs a la The Scorpions album cover art. 

After 5 seconds, a pattern may seem to appear.  Then, more and more.  A sea of color, moving in a pulsing pattern.  Geometric shapes like perfect triangles and circles appear.  Like seeing spots in reverse, you're conjuring the light sources!  Best of all, if you use the thumb-finger method, you can surreptitiously "trip" under the guise of being tired, or thinking, or looking stressed. 

Unlike LSD, this doesn't have some of the body sensations other than the visual spectrum.  However, you can get off this mad rollercoaster at any time simply by releasing the pressure.  Actually, you'll be temporarily blinded by the "spots", but hey, its better than converting to Buddhism and giving away all your earthly possessions

#2--HOLD YOUR BREATH:  This one seems obvious, but under closer inspection, you're mistaken.  First of all, take a deep breath.  Then, hold it for a minute.  You're body begins to feel desperate--"why am I/he/you/she/they doing this to us/myself?"  If you're of a perceptive mind, you'll begin to notice how your body's instincts seems to be a separate entity, like a parallel doppelganger.  Hold your breath for as long as possible, and feel the ENORMOUS RELIEF, like the period post-coitus.

If you have a lover handy, try this:  Have the one with a lower lung capacity take a breath, then exchange the breath between make-out lips.  Exchange the air as needed, and feel the enormous sensation of... drifff-tinnnnnggg...

#3--POP YOUR EARS:  It sounds painful, but this is the least of the aforementioned.  Benefits?  First, you can filter sounds at will.  Those Juicy Couture girls raving on about a pop culture fantasy world?  Pop your ears.  Second, you're perception of the world will change.  Here's how:

Grab your nose and seal both nostrils.  Use those two fingers from before and grab your nose, pincer-style, between. Now, inhale from your nasal cavity.  You'll feel a building up of pressure and the volume of the world will be vastly changed--like listening to the world with a high-pass filter on (recording enthusiasts of the world, rejoice).  You can vary the volume and the experience simply by the amount.  The closest experience is that of taking off on a commercial jet.  The effect itself is especially comforting, knowing that you have control, compared to drugs that are more like prison sentences than recreation.

When you're ready to get off the ride, yawn.  Or, you can blow air into the sealed nasal cavity.  Doing that without popping your ears gives a "descending" sensation.  Like, landing.  Then, observe a new bass presence in everything--your step, a plane flying overhead, a dog's breath.  And, if you're feeling particularly John Cage, ride the bus.  Unbeknown to the driver, he or she is a musician.  Accelerator down, and the pitch ascends, crescendo'ing.  Coming to a stop, a diminuendo.  The pitch portamento's between the gears and their fermatas... its, like... the... walls... are.. breathing... man...

#4--CLOSE YOUR EYES AND WALK:  Pretty self-explanatory.  I recommend twenty steps, then opening your eyes.  Disorientation?  Check.  Excitement and wonder?  Uh, yes!  To ratchet up the levels, try closing your eyes, THEN spinning...

(DISCLAIMER:  Okay, I'm not a doctor. Some of this shit might be dangerous, so you don't have to try it.  Don't be stupid.  But, hey, I'm your friend.  I'm trying to help, Ed.  Just what the fuck have you been doing for me?  That's what I thought, Ed: nothing.  I offer you a clean way to do drugs and now you fucking don't give a hoot... Yeah, ridiculous, Ed.  I mean, who the hell helped break into the Safeway that night, and you were all about stuffing the Apple Dapples down your shirt, saying, "I'm fucking Cereal Santa Claus!!! And, then, you--Ed Snyder the MAGNIFICENT (PUN INTENDED!)--rubbed peanut butter on your face, fucking Jiffy's Chunky style, and you yelled, "I'm fucking Iggy Pop!" and how I said, "Yeah, you'd like to," and then the cops showed up but we got off because no one would want to chase after a guy with a beard of imposter-Fruit Loops attached with peanut butter.  So yeah, now you can't hear because you actually believed what you read?  Oh, I'M the asshole?  Fuck you, Ed Snyder.  What are you going to do?  Sue?  I don't have anything because I'm broke.  B-R-O-K-E.  Do you know what that means, Ed!?  No you don't and you can fuck yourself.  And Iggy Pop.  And I hope you're deaf and blind...)